Leading and Loving

     Depending on what kind of background you come from, you probably have a different view of leadership than I do. I've recently been evaluating my views on leadership and thought I'd share some of my thoughts. I grew up with an achievement mindset, meaning I had to achieve things in order to have a positive view of myself or others around me.  All growing up I was told I was a great leader, but I just thought it was because I worked hard, got good grades, was nice to other people and was good at sports. This mindset has slowly been changed and I have a different view now, which I am very thankful for. The change began while I was part of a  ministry and leadership training internship. As part of progressing through the internship, many people became leaders after one year, and got to lead a small group during their second year before completing the internship.
      I have to laugh as I look back on my first month of leading. I still very much had an achievement mentality and had a very difficult time sitting for two hours with other girls and talking about life. I just wanted to get back to work, to go sit at my desk and stare at a computer and do something that I could mark off a checklist. It was a humbling experience as I realized over the next several months that leadership was about much more than getting things done, but rather it was about people. Those were some of the most streching months I had experienced up to that point and I am thankful for the women who guided me along that process and for the precious ladies who got stuck with me as a leader. I am so thankful for my growth during that process!
    I recently had the chance to go back and talk with some young ladies who were graduating from the same internship. One of the topics we discussed was what leadership looked like stepping out of a place where you are titled with that position. I had a fairly simple statement from the observation of my own life as I have transitioned out of that same place:

Leading people means loving people.

    I have heard love described as fighting for another person's highest good. There is no other place I would rather lead from than trying to help someone get to the place of their highest good, whatever it is that means for their personal life. Leading is best achieved when it comes from a place of authentic love, not a forced situation. I find that even now when I have difficult days with the people in my sphere of influence it is because the posture of my leadership is not coming from a place of love but rather from title. This is a dangerous place to be, because my leadership then reflects what is best for me, not necessarily what is best for the people around me.
    I currently get to be a part of a few different ministries at the church I work at, working with infants through college students. It is a wide range of people, all of which I have different interactions with. I can't tell you all their names or all of their stories, but I do know that I want what is best for their lives. In order to achieve this I can only lead with a heart full of love that I hope is reflected in my leadership. So if you want to lead and lead well, love the people around you and watch your leadership transform.

Spring

I love that spring is just weeks away. I don't mind the snow or the cold, in fact, it's snowing right now and I am throughly enjoying it but there is something about spring that I love. Growing up in a family of educators summer was our safe haven, a time to breathe and be together. So naturally, when spring came every year it would make me aware of the closeness of summer and time to play and be together. This spring I am particularly excited because there are so many things coming in the next few months that make me excited. Here is a short list of things I'm thinking forward to:

1) I am half way done with my school semester and only 21 credit hours from graduation!
2) My parents are coming to see us in April. This in itself is blog worthy. I love visits from my parents!
3) Easter. Easter is one of my favorite holidays. Thinking about it even makes me teary eyed. Realizing the sacrafice Christ made for us and dwelling upon the power that conquered hell stirs something alive inside of me.
4) Going to Belize. JD and I are helping lead a missions trip to Belize City. Every one of my missions experiences have been so different from one another (the last one not being a great experience) so I am going into this trip with great excitement and anticipation.
5) Desperation conferences. This will be my 7th summer going to conference. This conference holds a special place in my heart that I look forward to every year.
6) The smell of rain and fresh cut grass. I love these smells, it triggers so many great memories.

I will probably go into detail on some of this list in later blogs, but for now, Happy Almost Spring!

For Jamie

This blog is in honor of my twin sister Jamie. Today is our first birthday not spent together....sad, sad day! As I have spent the last week or so realizing we weren't going to be together I thought of a lot of funny memories of past birthdays.

For example, Jamie, do you remember our 8th or so birthday party? Sleepover with a ton of girls and I fell asleep and no one could wake me up, even after slamming my head into the coffee table?? Funny.... Or our 13th birthday dance party in our living room because it was too cold to be outside? Then Jennifer's attic caught on fire that night! Chaos. The unforgettable moment on our 14th birthday where you choked on orange juice and tried to give yourself the Heimlich with your back brace on.  There was also our 15th birthday when Heather came to surprise us and there was a dance at school (not going to lie, was much more successful than ours!) and Dad dropped all of our friends off in the Burb! I'm not going to even mention our 16th birthday for obvious reasons that I am sure you will recall. Our 20th birthday is when you met JD and didn't like him... sorry about that! And then our 21st when you were so mad all day I wasn't going to see you and SURPRISE!

I love our memories together but would love it so much more if we could spend today with each other. We've got to figure out how to make this happen!

Spring 2007

The most common question I'm asked when people find out I'm a twin is, "So do you like being a twin?" I always smile and say yes but there's no words to really communicate the relationship Jamie and I have. Growing up, she was my protector and the one that could make everything better (unless of course she was the one that made it bad and then that was my other sisters' jobs). All the kids were scared of me, not because I ever did anything but because they didn't what to know what Jamie would actually do to them if she ever heard them being mean to me. We were chefs and ballerinas and gymnasts together when we would watch something pertaining to it on TV. She always let me get my way and be the Pink Power Ranger too! We played sports together, took every class together, and somehow grew up to be completely different people. Now we are still best friends, and I always know who to call to decide if I need sympathy or to move on. If I don't know how to make something, or just did something I'm proud of, I know I always have a supportive ear. I admire my sister's courage to not stand down to a fight, to be her brilliant self and do amazing in school, and to get ready everyday and look like a my size, fair skinned Barbie.

There are so many reasons I love being a twin, most of all because of how much I love my twin sister. So here's to you, Jamie, with as much love as you can glean from a blog! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

My Old Friend & Juggling

I know it has been forever since I last posted a blog. I really try not to be one of those people who have a blog but only post like twice a year. I've actually started three blogs since my last post, but none of them got completed. One day I will finish them....one day.

I have had an old friend make a reappearence in my life recently: busy-ness!! I grew up with this friend and am thankful for my Mom and Dad who taught me how to live life very well with him. It's in my blood to juggle a lot of different plates but since I got married in June I had taken a sabbatical from it. January brought it back full swing though!
After being gone for the holidays I came back and Castle Rock finally starting feeling like home instead of my current place of residency. After being back only two days I got a job. It was like a little kiss from God! I have been on for almost a month and am taking a full load of classes, so even though I feel a little rusty in my juggling act, I am enjoying life so much! JD and I often have these conversations about how amazed we are at our lives.

One thing through the chaos I am learning is appreciating each day for what it is worth and finding the value in not what I am doing but who I am becoming. I have been plagued with this achievement mindset since I can remember and so when I am working on a lot of things at once I have always had the habit of pushing toward the goal no matter regardless of who or what I have to run over in the process. It's only been a month but I haven't found that person at all! Instead, I find that I am taking my time, even in the small things, and that it is okay to take a break or to let someone else do some of the work. It seems so simple but at times it's really hard to kill my pride. It's admitting that I am not and can't be Superwoman. It is so freeing though seeing my reflection in Jesus, where He is not waiting for me to produce something for  Him but simply to acknowledge Him in all I am doing. I feel blessed beyond belief in what the Lord is doing in this season and the having the opportunity to be part of it with Him. It's my hope that I stay steadfast not on the small goals in front of me, but the ultimate Prize that is waiting for me.

Happy Juggling!!

Details

     They are everywhere, constantly surrounding and making up life all around us. Each day we remember details that others around us don’t. Details in my life: We always have to keep food in the microwave that would usually stay on the counter when we aren’t home because our dog will climb on top of the counter and eat it when we are gone. When I boil milk at the slightest whistle I have to run to the kitchen so that it doesn’t explode out of the kettle and all over everything. I have to set my alarm five minutes early in the morning because I inevitably hit snooze at least once. These are details in my life that to another would have absolutely no meaning in their life. We often go through life and don’t notice any details: a person’s new pair of shoes, the color of someone’s nails, the way a neighbor precisely mows their lawn, someone’s hair looking nice. We see big picture when in another’s individual life, it is really the details that mean so much to them. I’ve found that it is small details that really make people happy or irritate them, yet so many, myself included, do not even think twice about doing things.

     Last week we moved to an apartment. When talking to the leasing agent she told us that they offered washer and dryer rentals. The more we thought about it we thought it would be best if we just went ahead and bought some and use the money as an investment rather than pay the same amount for the rentals over a year’s time. We began to look at some gently used ones online and tried to figure which would work best for budget. Two days later JD went into work as he walked in someone asked him if he wanted a washer and dryer because she knew of someone trying to give a pair away. Crazy, isn’t it?!? A detail in our life that we’d not prayed about, not talked about with anyone and just like that, we had a washer and dryer! One definition of detail states it this way, “extended attention to particular items.” We were so blown away by God in this instance. We could have never dreamed of someone just giving us a washer and dryer and yet the Lord had paid attention to the details of our lives and blessed us with one, though we had not asked or even thought to ask Him for one! The days following the washer and dryer instance I found myself lost while reading Psalm 139. It’s so familiar and to be honest, I get annoyed hearing the cliché parts of it most of the time, but as I read it I was so awakened to the attention to detail the Lord has in each of our lives. He created every detail, yes, but that’s not all! He is also still very much involved and desires us to invite Him into the details. The passage tells us that His thoughts concerning us outnumber the grains of sand. Think of that number in a literal way: mind-blowing, isn’t it??  As I listen to the hum of my new dryer, my prayer is that as the Lord knows the details of my life, I want to know the details of Him Character, His Kingdom, and His People. Even now it’s my habit to see big picture, but the Lord created me to be detailed and it’s my hope that I’m becoming more that way every day.

Current State and Hope

     Life has been interesting lately to say the least. For those of you who know me I have a very driving personality. I like order, I like schedules, I like being informed, I like knowing details. Sometime in the last several weeks all of that has gone by the wayside and I’m finding myself to be this person I’ve never met before, and to be quite honest, am not really liking. I find my daily schedule changing about three times a week. I have four weeks left of school but seem completely unmotivated to even read a chapter (which let me tell you is very dangerous for a student who takes all online classes). I find myself wanting to sleep a lot, like I’m sick or something; the only problem is that I’m not sick. I just want to shake myself and be able to wake up from a somewhat unharmful yet very unlikeable dream. It’s like someone changed me with a weird twin one night when I was sleeping (and no, not Jamie. Jamie would never run my life like this, I’m well confident of that!).

    This morning during my quiet time I was trying to get motivated, to shake this little spell off and return to my old self, the driven, self motivated and self confident one. All of things are happening and yet there’s nothing I can do about it. It’s not like I brought any of this on myself so I can’t just reverse something I’d done wrong. In some ways it’s just depressing. I began praying about it and as usual was led to the perfect passage for the time.

Colossians 2:13-14 When you were dead in your sins and in the uncircumcision of your flesh, God made you alive with Christ. He forgave us all our sins, having canceled the charge of our legal indebtedness, which stood against us and condemned us; he has taken it away, nailing it to the cross.

      Regardless of how I feel the message of the cross stands true. Jesus died for me, conquered anything that stood between us, made me pure, and I can stand alive in Him, whether my emotions agree with the notion or not. What joy! I’m happy today to be alive and hope that soon I can navigate through the chaos that seems to have overtaken. I know I will make it on the other side and stand on the promise that I will look more like Jesus when I get there.

Cleaning

I love cleaning. Ever since I moved out of my parent's house I turned into this clean, organized, everything has it's place kind of person.  My husband often makes jokes with others about how OCD I am. I love order and I associate dirtiness with chaos. My house for the most part is kept very clean, however if I know people are coming over I always do a good run through of dusting, vacumming, etc. (I think most people are like this.)
Last week we had several people to our house one night and as I was sweeping before they got there I had an interesting thought. How often do I try to do a "good run through" before entering God's presence? I find myself often disengaged during a worship service the first few minutes trying to tidy up, justifying any bad actions and trying to make my heart look nice before the Lord. I think many people have somehow picked up this habit as well. Somewhere in being a good church person meant having a perfect life, free of anything that could possibly be considered dirty.
So what happens? We put on a face. We shove things underneath rugs or in dark closets where they are kept hidden.  I can't imagine how this must trouble the heart of God. He knows we are messy! He sees it everytime we open that junky closet to throw something else in there. We don't need to be clean of our messes to worship, to meet with the God who sees all, who knows all and still loves us.
Please do not misunderstand me here, I love Psalm 24. I know that those with clean hands and a pure heart are the ones who are allowed to ascend the hill of the Lord and stand in the His holy place. But we are not the ones who make our own hands clean. We are not able to refine our own hearts. The One which we are trying to hide our mess from, He is the only One who is able to wash us, to make us clean and pure. We do not possess enough good will on our own to even begin that process. The only thing we can do it surrender. To give what we have that day and worship with that, no matter what it looks like.
Sunday morning worship looked much different for me this week after processing through these thoughts. I went with my mess and said I'm sorry Lord, this is what I have but I want a pure heart and clean hands. Outwardly nothing happened, but inwardly I felt so free from the weight of my mess. I was free. Being clean is a freeing experience and is so much more important than what goes on the outside. Jesus states so clearly in Matthew 23:26 that we are to first clean the inside and then the outside will be clean. I'm learning that I love a clean inside just as much as I enjoy my OCD clean house. It's a wonderful process!