For Jamie

This blog is in honor of my twin sister Jamie. Today is our first birthday not spent together....sad, sad day! As I have spent the last week or so realizing we weren't going to be together I thought of a lot of funny memories of past birthdays.

For example, Jamie, do you remember our 8th or so birthday party? Sleepover with a ton of girls and I fell asleep and no one could wake me up, even after slamming my head into the coffee table?? Funny.... Or our 13th birthday dance party in our living room because it was too cold to be outside? Then Jennifer's attic caught on fire that night! Chaos. The unforgettable moment on our 14th birthday where you choked on orange juice and tried to give yourself the Heimlich with your back brace on.  There was also our 15th birthday when Heather came to surprise us and there was a dance at school (not going to lie, was much more successful than ours!) and Dad dropped all of our friends off in the Burb! I'm not going to even mention our 16th birthday for obvious reasons that I am sure you will recall. Our 20th birthday is when you met JD and didn't like him... sorry about that! And then our 21st when you were so mad all day I wasn't going to see you and SURPRISE!

I love our memories together but would love it so much more if we could spend today with each other. We've got to figure out how to make this happen!

Spring 2007

The most common question I'm asked when people find out I'm a twin is, "So do you like being a twin?" I always smile and say yes but there's no words to really communicate the relationship Jamie and I have. Growing up, she was my protector and the one that could make everything better (unless of course she was the one that made it bad and then that was my other sisters' jobs). All the kids were scared of me, not because I ever did anything but because they didn't what to know what Jamie would actually do to them if she ever heard them being mean to me. We were chefs and ballerinas and gymnasts together when we would watch something pertaining to it on TV. She always let me get my way and be the Pink Power Ranger too! We played sports together, took every class together, and somehow grew up to be completely different people. Now we are still best friends, and I always know who to call to decide if I need sympathy or to move on. If I don't know how to make something, or just did something I'm proud of, I know I always have a supportive ear. I admire my sister's courage to not stand down to a fight, to be her brilliant self and do amazing in school, and to get ready everyday and look like a my size, fair skinned Barbie.

There are so many reasons I love being a twin, most of all because of how much I love my twin sister. So here's to you, Jamie, with as much love as you can glean from a blog! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

My Old Friend & Juggling

I know it has been forever since I last posted a blog. I really try not to be one of those people who have a blog but only post like twice a year. I've actually started three blogs since my last post, but none of them got completed. One day I will finish them....one day.

I have had an old friend make a reappearence in my life recently: busy-ness!! I grew up with this friend and am thankful for my Mom and Dad who taught me how to live life very well with him. It's in my blood to juggle a lot of different plates but since I got married in June I had taken a sabbatical from it. January brought it back full swing though!
After being gone for the holidays I came back and Castle Rock finally starting feeling like home instead of my current place of residency. After being back only two days I got a job. It was like a little kiss from God! I have been on for almost a month and am taking a full load of classes, so even though I feel a little rusty in my juggling act, I am enjoying life so much! JD and I often have these conversations about how amazed we are at our lives.

One thing through the chaos I am learning is appreciating each day for what it is worth and finding the value in not what I am doing but who I am becoming. I have been plagued with this achievement mindset since I can remember and so when I am working on a lot of things at once I have always had the habit of pushing toward the goal no matter regardless of who or what I have to run over in the process. It's only been a month but I haven't found that person at all! Instead, I find that I am taking my time, even in the small things, and that it is okay to take a break or to let someone else do some of the work. It seems so simple but at times it's really hard to kill my pride. It's admitting that I am not and can't be Superwoman. It is so freeing though seeing my reflection in Jesus, where He is not waiting for me to produce something for  Him but simply to acknowledge Him in all I am doing. I feel blessed beyond belief in what the Lord is doing in this season and the having the opportunity to be part of it with Him. It's my hope that I stay steadfast not on the small goals in front of me, but the ultimate Prize that is waiting for me.

Happy Juggling!!

Details

     They are everywhere, constantly surrounding and making up life all around us. Each day we remember details that others around us don’t. Details in my life: We always have to keep food in the microwave that would usually stay on the counter when we aren’t home because our dog will climb on top of the counter and eat it when we are gone. When I boil milk at the slightest whistle I have to run to the kitchen so that it doesn’t explode out of the kettle and all over everything. I have to set my alarm five minutes early in the morning because I inevitably hit snooze at least once. These are details in my life that to another would have absolutely no meaning in their life. We often go through life and don’t notice any details: a person’s new pair of shoes, the color of someone’s nails, the way a neighbor precisely mows their lawn, someone’s hair looking nice. We see big picture when in another’s individual life, it is really the details that mean so much to them. I’ve found that it is small details that really make people happy or irritate them, yet so many, myself included, do not even think twice about doing things.

     Last week we moved to an apartment. When talking to the leasing agent she told us that they offered washer and dryer rentals. The more we thought about it we thought it would be best if we just went ahead and bought some and use the money as an investment rather than pay the same amount for the rentals over a year’s time. We began to look at some gently used ones online and tried to figure which would work best for budget. Two days later JD went into work as he walked in someone asked him if he wanted a washer and dryer because she knew of someone trying to give a pair away. Crazy, isn’t it?!? A detail in our life that we’d not prayed about, not talked about with anyone and just like that, we had a washer and dryer! One definition of detail states it this way, “extended attention to particular items.” We were so blown away by God in this instance. We could have never dreamed of someone just giving us a washer and dryer and yet the Lord had paid attention to the details of our lives and blessed us with one, though we had not asked or even thought to ask Him for one! The days following the washer and dryer instance I found myself lost while reading Psalm 139. It’s so familiar and to be honest, I get annoyed hearing the cliché parts of it most of the time, but as I read it I was so awakened to the attention to detail the Lord has in each of our lives. He created every detail, yes, but that’s not all! He is also still very much involved and desires us to invite Him into the details. The passage tells us that His thoughts concerning us outnumber the grains of sand. Think of that number in a literal way: mind-blowing, isn’t it??  As I listen to the hum of my new dryer, my prayer is that as the Lord knows the details of my life, I want to know the details of Him Character, His Kingdom, and His People. Even now it’s my habit to see big picture, but the Lord created me to be detailed and it’s my hope that I’m becoming more that way every day.

Current State and Hope

     Life has been interesting lately to say the least. For those of you who know me I have a very driving personality. I like order, I like schedules, I like being informed, I like knowing details. Sometime in the last several weeks all of that has gone by the wayside and I’m finding myself to be this person I’ve never met before, and to be quite honest, am not really liking. I find my daily schedule changing about three times a week. I have four weeks left of school but seem completely unmotivated to even read a chapter (which let me tell you is very dangerous for a student who takes all online classes). I find myself wanting to sleep a lot, like I’m sick or something; the only problem is that I’m not sick. I just want to shake myself and be able to wake up from a somewhat unharmful yet very unlikeable dream. It’s like someone changed me with a weird twin one night when I was sleeping (and no, not Jamie. Jamie would never run my life like this, I’m well confident of that!).

    This morning during my quiet time I was trying to get motivated, to shake this little spell off and return to my old self, the driven, self motivated and self confident one. All of things are happening and yet there’s nothing I can do about it. It’s not like I brought any of this on myself so I can’t just reverse something I’d done wrong. In some ways it’s just depressing. I began praying about it and as usual was led to the perfect passage for the time.

Colossians 2:13-14 When you were dead in your sins and in the uncircumcision of your flesh, God made you alive with Christ. He forgave us all our sins, having canceled the charge of our legal indebtedness, which stood against us and condemned us; he has taken it away, nailing it to the cross.

      Regardless of how I feel the message of the cross stands true. Jesus died for me, conquered anything that stood between us, made me pure, and I can stand alive in Him, whether my emotions agree with the notion or not. What joy! I’m happy today to be alive and hope that soon I can navigate through the chaos that seems to have overtaken. I know I will make it on the other side and stand on the promise that I will look more like Jesus when I get there.

Cleaning

I love cleaning. Ever since I moved out of my parent's house I turned into this clean, organized, everything has it's place kind of person.  My husband often makes jokes with others about how OCD I am. I love order and I associate dirtiness with chaos. My house for the most part is kept very clean, however if I know people are coming over I always do a good run through of dusting, vacumming, etc. (I think most people are like this.)
Last week we had several people to our house one night and as I was sweeping before they got there I had an interesting thought. How often do I try to do a "good run through" before entering God's presence? I find myself often disengaged during a worship service the first few minutes trying to tidy up, justifying any bad actions and trying to make my heart look nice before the Lord. I think many people have somehow picked up this habit as well. Somewhere in being a good church person meant having a perfect life, free of anything that could possibly be considered dirty.
So what happens? We put on a face. We shove things underneath rugs or in dark closets where they are kept hidden.  I can't imagine how this must trouble the heart of God. He knows we are messy! He sees it everytime we open that junky closet to throw something else in there. We don't need to be clean of our messes to worship, to meet with the God who sees all, who knows all and still loves us.
Please do not misunderstand me here, I love Psalm 24. I know that those with clean hands and a pure heart are the ones who are allowed to ascend the hill of the Lord and stand in the His holy place. But we are not the ones who make our own hands clean. We are not able to refine our own hearts. The One which we are trying to hide our mess from, He is the only One who is able to wash us, to make us clean and pure. We do not possess enough good will on our own to even begin that process. The only thing we can do it surrender. To give what we have that day and worship with that, no matter what it looks like.
Sunday morning worship looked much different for me this week after processing through these thoughts. I went with my mess and said I'm sorry Lord, this is what I have but I want a pure heart and clean hands. Outwardly nothing happened, but inwardly I felt so free from the weight of my mess. I was free. Being clean is a freeing experience and is so much more important than what goes on the outside. Jesus states so clearly in Matthew 23:26 that we are to first clean the inside and then the outside will be clean. I'm learning that I love a clean inside just as much as I enjoy my OCD clean house. It's a wonderful process!

Fall is here

Growing up I dreaded fall. Summer was my favorite season: there was no school, I went swimming everyday, we took vacations during the summer. As school started I grew uneasy every year. I did not like change at all. I can still remember the summer before I started high school: the nervousness and wanting to never grow up but be a kid forever. I laugh now as I remember.

I think it is because I just moved back to Colorado after a hot ten months in New Mexico that I am so welcoming to the new season this year. I have never liked coffee drinks but have found a new comfort in a Maxwell International lattes lately. JD and I have also given way and been some of the first this season I'm sure to already buy Egg Nog (side note: try the pumpkin spice if you haven't before, it's great!).

For whatever reason I'm becoming a fall fan. JD and I have made some major decisions and changes as far as jobs and location go in the last four months we've been married. I've joked with a couple friends that we've made more life changing decisions already than most do in their first few years of marriage. It has been exciting, but I'm ready to let the busy of summer go and embrace the quiet and stillness of fall. I'm ready to sit, to listen, to have an excuse to bundle up with blankets on the couch for the night, to just be and not do.

Fall also reminds me that a year is beginning to close. I've loved this year but it has been probably one of the most streching of my life and has most certainly required the most faith. Life as I've known it has completely changed a couple times over in the last twelve months so I am ready for some steadiness though I know there is still more change yet to come this year. I will share though, as we began to pray about moving to Castle Rock I was so clearly led to a passage in my hesitance that I've at times clung to in Isaiah 43: 18-19
"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way....."

My prayer is that as this season changes I will see and be part of this 'new thing'. I am learning that even when things seem impossible God is so faithful to make a way. I want to make sure I'm walking steadly on that path.